I don’t write about myself much; mostly because I don’t feel like I have anything to say. Not even stuff worth reading, just anything at all. But there’s something I have to talk about if only for my sanity.
I was recently accepted into a doctoral level, clinical psychology graduate school program. I start classes at the end of August. I am scared. Not of classes, though that is a part of it, but of how well I’m going to do over all. What if this isn’t where I’m meant to be? What if I’m not as good at this psychology, counselor thing as I thought? I’ve been told my whole life I’m smart and I’ve had a lot of people come to me for advice but what if they’re mistaken or I just got lucky? I am so scared that my professors are going to tell me I’m good but not good enough. I want so badly to be this, to do this. I want to be a psychologist, I want to help people figure out the problems in their lives, to figure out the best way to fix things. But wanting isn’t enough. I have to be smart enough, my instincts have to be good enough and what if I’m not?
This fear of being told I’m not good enough has started to screw up everything. I’m sleeping nine hours a night and waking up just as tired as I went to bed. I’m afraid that everyone is going to tell me I’m screwing up everything. Just today I had a friend ask if she could talk to me and my first thought was “Oh god what did I do wrong?” Every time my one of my bosses come talk to me I brace myself for a scolding or a lecture yet I know I haven’t done anything worth any of that.Hell, I'm even trembling a little.
I can’t tell if this is a very real fear of my abilities or just nerves from realizing I’m growing up and about to enter a very important part of my life. Not knowing why I’m like this makes everything worse. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s wrong. I can’t help myself if I don’t know how. I think the only way I’ll get better is by actually going to class and hearing why my teachers say. I just hope I can last the six weeks it’s going to take until I get there.
I’m not writing this to complain or for advice, though any and all are welcome and appreciated. I’m writing this because keeping this stuff in my head isn’t good. Plus, it helps me recognize what I’m going through and putting everything to words makes it feel more real, more tangible. Easier to overcome. Thanks for taking the time to read this.