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7/12/11 03:40 pm - Life and Times

I don’t write about myself much; mostly because I don’t feel like I have anything to say. Not even stuff worth reading, just anything at all. But there’s something I have to talk about if only for my sanity.

I was recently accepted into a doctoral level, clinical psychology graduate school program. I start classes at the end of August. I am scared. Not of classes, though that is a part of it, but of how well I’m going to do over all. What if this isn’t where I’m meant to be? What if I’m not as good at this psychology, counselor thing as I thought? I’ve been told my whole life I’m smart and I’ve had a lot of people come to me for advice but what if they’re mistaken or I just got lucky? I am so scared that my professors are going to tell me I’m good but not good enough. I want so badly to be this, to do this. I want to be a psychologist, I want to help people figure out the problems in their lives, to figure out the best way to fix things. But wanting isn’t enough. I have to be smart enough, my instincts have to be good enough and what if I’m not?

This fear of being told I’m not good enough has started to screw up everything. I’m sleeping nine hours a night and waking up just as tired as I went to bed. I’m afraid that everyone is going to tell me I’m screwing up everything. Just today I had a friend ask if she could talk to me and my first thought was “Oh god what did I do wrong?” Every time my one of my bosses come talk to me I brace myself for a scolding or a lecture yet I know I haven’t done anything worth any of that.Hell, I'm even trembling a little.

I can’t tell if this is a very real fear of my abilities or just nerves from realizing I’m growing up and about to enter a very important part of my life. Not knowing why I’m like this makes everything worse. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s wrong. I can’t help myself if I don’t know how. I think the only way I’ll get better is by actually going to class and hearing why my teachers say. I just hope I can last the six weeks it’s going to take until I get there.

I’m not writing this to complain or for advice, though any and all are welcome and appreciated. I’m writing this because keeping this stuff in my head isn’t good. Plus, it helps me recognize what I’m going through and putting everything to words makes it feel more real, more tangible. Easier to overcome. Thanks for taking the time to read this.


1/22/11 01:16 pm - Good bye, Star

We put one of my cats down this morning. He was fifteen years old and had lost the used of his back legs. I spent most of yesterday with him, crying and petting him. He spent it meowing in pain and trying to find a dark place to hide. I wasn't awake when my mom drove him down the driveway to my neighbor to have him put down, and I'm kind of grateful for that but at the same time a small part of me wishes I could have said good bye one more time.

This is the first pet I've ever lost and the first thing that's ever been this close to me that has died. I cried hard and a long time. Maybe it'll get easier for the remaining four, maybe it'll get worse. All I know is I'll be glad not to be home when it happens. Watching him die slowly was far more painful than to just wake up one morning to find him gone.
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1/9/11 10:36 pm - Day 2 in the Adventures of Chicago

Today went much better. I got up on time, made it to the meeting point early and wasn't anywhere near as panicked as I was yesterday. My friend called to say she was going to be late because her car was frozen. After ten minutes we met up and off we went. For the next two hours we drove around the northern neighborhoods, her pointing out all of the apartments, shops, and hangout spots while I just sat back and tried to not be overwhelmed. I don't think I succeeded. This was followed by lunch and walking around to visit some of the more eccentric shops. Then we drove around downtown for two more hours where she pointed out more spots of interest and explaining bits of information I would need when I moved here. After a full five hours of touring we finally separated.

My final conclusions on the city are: this is going to take me months to explore and there is so much going on at all times. My head is spinning from just a small taste. My first few months are going to be terrifying. I'm thrilled to get started.
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1/8/11 07:16 pm - And the Adventure Continues!

The morning of the first day in Chicago. I'm supposed to meet with a friend of mine who is going to take me on a tour around Chicago today. I get up, do my stuff, get on the road and make it to the meeting place a few minutes late because I missed my turn and Chicago has waaaaaaay too many one way streets. Also construction. I call my friend to find out where she is only to have her send back a confused reply. After a short conversation turns out there was some confusion involved. I had extended my stay an extra day to squeeze in a meeting with the grad school I reaaaaaally want to get into and had asked my friend if we could tour both Saturday and Sunday. She thought I said I had a meeting Saturday and could we move the tour to Sunday. Cue me nearly breaking down. Little tidbit about myself. I get really stressed and anxious where I am in a situation/place that I have no knowledge of. The break down is a result of that stress. 

After calming down I decide, instead of going back to the hotel and wasting the whole day I'll tour by myself. I drive around a little just to get a feel of downtown then drive back to my hotel. There is a train stop really close to their and parking in Chicago is an arm and a leg for an hour. Parking near my hotel is two dollars. Easy decision. After freaking out over the parking situation, realizing I had shown up right as the train was coming and that I had no idea how to buy a ticket for the train, I figured out I had paid for the wrong parking spot. (I didn't realize how wrong until later.) This just spikes my stress even higher and I end up internally panicking over whether or not my car would be towed. Like I said, I don't do well in unknown situations. There was nothing I could do until I came back. The train schedule is really specific and it would be a waste just to turn around. I'd deal with whatever happened when I came back.

Thankfully I could suppress the panic while walking around downtown. I make a direct line to the school, which is close to the train stop. I get to the front door and immediately I am giddy. This is the first time my dream is tangible. I want it so bad. After locating it I decide I really need to eat. This didn't turn out to be as easy as I had thought. Did you know Chicago shuts down about mid-afternoon on the weekend? Me either. I ended up finding a Wendy's so at least I got to eat. Also my thighs greatly appreciated the chance to warm up. It is bitter cold in Chicago in the middle of winter especially after a cold snap. Note to self: Invest in warmer pants.

From there I decide to walk to the other school I am applying to. It's actually not very far from the train station either, which is nice. I finally break down and call mom about the possible towing of the car. She scoffed at me; I felt better. See, I've found that anxiety and depression often stem from being caught up in your head for too long. My solution to this is to just talk to someone else and have them sort it out for me. I can tell myself that something won't happen but that's little more than me trying to comfort myself. Having someone else say it makes it more tangible. After calming down a little I make it right near the school but I'm so cold that I have to duck into a nearby building, which happens to be an indoor mall. Me being from the suburbs of Missouri, I'm not used to this; so many building crammed into a skyscraper rather than spread out. It's going to take some getting used to. And turns out? It's right across from my school. So if I ever get hungry all I have to do is cross the street. Very nice.

I get into the school and would you know it? Instead of having the entire school closed down as it's a weekend, one of the doors was propped open. I have no idea but I took it as an invitation to kind of snoop. I didn't stay long, just enough to get a feel for the place. It's small which is expected of a graduate school but my Alma Matter is huge so again, not used to it. I really hope I get into one of these schools; just going to a school like this will be an experience.

The end of my adventure was pretty uneventful. Taking the train ride back I nearly sabotaged myself by listening to my music meaning I couldn't hear the stops being announced. Thankfully I lucked out and heard only mine. Even better luck my car wasn't towed, nor was there a ticket. I felt considerably better. Dinner was Wild Wings and a beer and now I am lounging in my hotel room wondering what tomorrow will bring.

Conclusion: Chicago is huge. It's going to take me months to explore everything. I walked around for three hours and only managed to see a tiny fraction. I am kind of looking forward to it. Also, the trains are confusing. There are so many line and so many passes. I'm not sure what I should do. Thankfully I can ask my friend tomorrow. I hope I get some place out in the suburbs commuting every day wouldn't bother me; the train ride each way would be great study time and I can always use the walk. I think I could really love living in Chicago.

Observations: The trains riding over head are so loud they hurt my ears but the rattling on the tracks is so hard it makes me vibrate which is fun. Chicago is just a beautiful now as it was the last two times I was here. I get excited at so many random places. Seagulls. Really? Another note to self: Invest in touchscreen gloves and better walking boots.
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1/7/11 07:55 pm - And so the adventure begins

This weekend I am in Chicago for graduate school reasons. After a six hour drive I finally make it to the hotel. Halfway through dinner the fire alarm goes off. Confused, I look out into the hall to see what everyone else is doing. Some of the other occupants are doing the same. I decide to follow the instructions that have been instilled in us since kindergarten and grab my coat, wallet, phone and room key and head downstairs, avoiding the elevator. The people behind the desk say there is nothing wrong, only that the fire alarm went off. So I head back to my room. Not five minutes later I hear sirens from emergency vehicles. Looking out my window, which faces the parking lot, I see a fire truck, a cherry picker (a truck with a raisable bucket attached) and two ambulances. Then, looking out into the hall I see two or three firemen. Well, I grab my stuff again and ask one of the firemen if I should go downstairs. He says, "That might be best." 

In the lobby again and there's only about five or six of us total. Either the hotel is really empty or most of the people decided to stay in their rooms. I occupy my time with my Droid phone and just kind of observe everyone around me. One man comes downstairs yelling at the two behind the counter, saying he had been told everything was all clear and then he was forced out of his room by the firemen. All I can think is, "Dude, getting upset won't help. They're just trying to look out for you." I think he even asked for a refund.

After about ten minutes, four of the firemen converge in the lobby. First thing I notice? None of them are over 35 years old. This struck me as weird but whatever. Turns out a false alarm had happened before; a water pipe had burst in the attic setting off the alarm. On the way out of the hotel one of the fireman stops and says "That tree is so cool," referring to the Christmas tree by the door. Only reason I put that in is because it just didn't seem to fit with the whole scene.

And that's how my weekend started off. How is yours?
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2/21/09 08:18 pm - Ugh.

Today has been a long ass day. Started off fine, pretty boring. Then I get a call from one of my housemates. She had left to take her sister onto campus for a wrestling thing and on her way back wrecked my car. My car. Which I had trusted her to drive safely. See, she comes from a family with a lot of kids so she never really got the chance to drive. So, thinking I might help her out, I let her drive my car every know and then.

After getting the call, I get a ride from a friend to the accident and spend the next hour talking to my parents, talking to the cops, talking to my friends, explaining what happened, asking what I should do, figuring out who's paying what and how. Ugh, just a lot of stress. During the whole thing, I'm not that angry. Everyone else is more upset than I am. I know how much it hurts to cause the accident and how much it sucks to have everyone mad at you and besides, my friend is angry enough for the both of us. Stuff happens, no ones hurt, and my car looks okay, just a dent in the front driver's side. It's leaking lime green fluid but I'm assured that's just anti-freeze.

We get home, the car's taken to a body shop and her boyfriend is on the way who is also my best friend. He shows up and drives me to take a closer look at the damage. He knows cars better than I do. He takes a look around and tells me it's totalled. The front axles bent and he doesn't think it was anti-freeze that's leaking. Finally, all that pent up anger and emotion flood forward. I'm mad that I don't have a car. I need my car or at least a car and with how the economy is now I don't know if I'll be able to find a used car for cheap that runs well. I'm mad at myself for not driving. I'm kind of mad at her for not paying attention and pulling out in front of another car. But I can't really say anything because I've been trying to get her to calm down. Ugh, I just hope that the damage's isn't as bad as he said. I'll find out Monday, maybe. Please let my car be salvageable. I like my car.

1/24/09 03:31 pm - Writing

*clears throat* Okay. So. I've decided to start writing again. For real this time. I want to get better; I want to like what I write. I want to be a decent writer, so I'm going to try. I've posted my first short story on my fictionpress account. Yes, the site's not the greatest but I already had it and I want to get large exposure. I figure, the more people know about me, the more I'll feel pressured to actually do something, rather than just sit on my ass all day, being bored. As of right now, I am giving free reign to all who read my stories to tear it to shreds if they feel they must. This is not an open invite to flame, rather, it is a request to give strong critic. I have found I do better when I know what I am doing wrong. Though, please also tell me what I am doing right so my self-esteem doesn't disolve into vapor. I realize I am opening a gigantic can of worms but I don't care. I'll do what I must to make me work and if that means dragging myself into slaughter, so be it. Now, after all of that crap, here's the story.


9/24/08 09:40 pm - College Students Rock!

Saw someone dressed as Batman tackle someone dressed as Joker today. It was AWESOMESAUCE! I LOVE COLLEGE!

9/13/08 11:15 pm - Wedding Bells

Today was a day for adventure. I was a bride's maid for one of my friend's wedding, my first time as such. I was told to be at the club at eleven where both the wedding and the reception would take place. I left home at 20 after ten and make it to Wal-Mart at five till eleven. I hadn't bought a gift yet so I went in, grabbed a hand mixer, a gift bag, some tissue paper and left. I make it to the club place fifteen minutes late. Problem is, no one's there. I panic because my phone had died the night before and I had no idea where I was supposed to be.

I decide to drive to my friend's house to use their phone. Half way there I change my mind and drive to Wal-Mart to buy a car charger for my phone. I have no idea what happened to the one I already had. I run in, grab one and run out. I plug in my phone then plug in the charger. Nothing happens. Turns out the inside of the lighter heater thing had corroded and I couldn't get a connection. I'm close to panic when I think of my friend's house. I rush over there and knock on the door. No one's home.

I run to the garage door and use the key code. (Yes, I broke into my friend's house. I've done it before though usually it's leave stuff behind.) I run in and grab the phone from the kitchen. I take ten minutes to figure out how to use it only to realize it's dying. I set it back in the charger and run around the house trying to find another phone. There isn't one. (Only one phone?! My house has six! GAH!) I panic. Then idea! There two cars in the garage. I try the passenger side of one and it's locked. Luckily the driver's side was open. I ran to the car, grabbed charger and phone and ran back. I plugged it in, called my friend and finally made it to where I was supposed to be. Blech. I was an hour late.

Now on to the wedding. We start forty five minutes late due to delays and last minute decisions. No dress rehersal was ever made so everything happened on the fly. We get the music going, which was the delay the first time, and we start. Half way through the ceremony a cell phone goes off. It's the groom's. The entire room cracks up. Other than that, nothing goes wrong. The whole thing after the congratulations of the couple was haphazard and unorganized. Everything happened just not int he way it's supposed to. What a day.

9/10/08 01:56 pm - Burnanating the Countryside

Today the local fire department had a demonstration for our college. They brought in a to scale model of one of the dorm rooms all nicely set up with furniture, a computer, books, posters, pizza boxes and other flammables. A bunch of friends and I sat with a large crowd around the model to watch it go up. At 11:45 they began their monologue of the dangers of fire and what it could do. At 11:50 they failed to light the trash can aflame and had to borrow a lighter from the crowd. A firefighter who can't light a fire. Irony.

They got the can going and it slowly caught the dresser and curtains above it. Once the curtains caught, the bedspread went and the books on the shelves above. Every time something caught on fire my section of the audience clapped and yelled. My friend said the firefighters were looking in our direction in horror. Five minutes after the start the entire room was nothing but a ball of flames. Thick smoke was pouring from the face and the heat was so bad my face was burning.

They finally took a hose to it and it took three good shots to get the flames out. My friend next to me wasn't happy they put it out. He wanted everything as a pile of ash but it was too hot to let it get that far. Everything was black and charred and emo. The lamp in the corner had it's plastic covers melted to sludge. It was really cool looking. My friend said the lamp was post modern art. I said it was post-mortem art. 

tl;dr Fire is fun!
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